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Moving Bowels - May 23, 2005
Oh brother. Most all of us have been ill at
one time or another and some of us, myself included, have been sick enough
that we had to spend some time in a hospital.
It's no secret that I hate doctors and more
specifically general, I hate the entire medical profession. It's a racket
and when someone pulls out their insurance card it's like blowflies to a
dead carcass - they all want to get into the act and suck some of that
delicious, mouth watering money out of the insurance companies which
eventually comes out of your and my pocket books. And shit! They can't
figure out what's wrong with the runaway cost of medical care.
But get this! These medical professionals
spend thousands of dollars going to school to receive a piece of paper that
allows them to PRACTICE medicine. I know when I have to practice something
it's because I suck at it and I need a lot of help.
With all that knowledge and assumed debt, the
best any of them can do when you are sick and throwing up is ask you when
the last time was you had a bowel movement. I think it is their solution to
everything. Perhaps we should gather up all the terrorists in the world and
give them all an enema. Maybe that will cure that problem too.
So, take my advice. The next time you go to
see your doctor or are admitted to a hospital or similar establishment, save
yourself some time and money and tell them first thing when the last time
was you had a dump. They won't know what to do next.
Mainard True
On Bullshit - May 16, 2005
Have you seen Harry Frankfurt's new book that
is currently #6 on the New York Times Bestseller list? Frankfurt is an Ivy
League College professor who is attempting to theorize about the art of
bullshitting. It is all the rage and everyone is talking about it - well
mostly about bullshit.
This world humors the hell out of me.
Bullshitters used to be societal outcasts and no one wanted to be around one
and now it seems a bullshitter is finding a place of high esteem in our
society - go figure.
It now appears that if one plans on "getting
ahead" or "making it to the top", they better takes some serious lessons on
bullshitting. The first lesson it appears is to learn what "impresses"
people the most about bullshitting and it appears to be those who can say a
whole lot using confusing words and not saying anything BUT the key here is
to sound convincing. Once you've got that down, the world should be yours
for the taking.
Mainard True
Out of Commission - May 14, 2005
My apologies for not being active on my blog
for a month now. I just got out of the hospital with back problems and some
complications but I am on the mend now and should be spending a bit more
time on my site for your entertainment. Talk again soon!
Mainard True
Not So Friggin Funny - April 14, 2005
It's not been so funny here at Laugh Maine of
late as I have some serious back pains etc. that is literally sending a pain
up my ass, through my hip and down my leg. The only other ass ache I can
think of that might top that at this moment in time is April 15th.
Screwed Up Big Time - April 2, 2005
You might find this hard to believe but April
Fool's Day came and went without the slightest hint of a practical joke on
my part. I can't believe it either. I must be slipping or getting old or
something. I guess I am going to have to somehow make up for this!
Mainard True
The Sound of Music - March 29, 2005
We all want spring so badly. We exchange one
ass ache for another. Snow and cold for black flies and mosquitoes. Read
this and while trying to make sense of it, sing the words to the sound of
music. For you damned critics, I didn't compose all the stanzas and choruses
as they were performed in the musical -
ppppppffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!
The hills are alive with sound of mosquitoes
Their wings beat so fast, you can hear them
scream
I go to the hills cause I am so stupid
With my deep woods off I still bleed.
My ankles they itch they crawl up my pants
God knows what they're looking for.
Then one bites my arm and one sucks my neck
But I love the outdoors.
I spread some more fly dope all over my skin
They say it won't hurt you
But I doubt they care
My blood's getting low so I better go now
Before I lose my mind!
Mainard True
I'm Reminded of Potholes - March 28,
2005
With the talk of spring in the air, I am
reminded as we all are each day we drive around, about potholes. With the
rattling of my pea brain each time I hit a hole in which I wonder if there
is a bottom, I recall a short little ditty I heard one time a long time ago.
I guess one of the reasons I remember it is because it describes most of us
Mainers quite accurately.
After reading it and you still think it
doesn't apply to you, run out into the middle of U.S. Route 2 the next time
a semi tractor trailer comes by and do us all a favor. Or just go back to
Taxachussets. It goes something like this:
One day I went out the door and I walked down
the street.
I saw a big hole in the street and I fell into
it.
The next day, I went out the same door and
walked down the same street.
I saw the same hole and I tried to go around
it.
I fell into it.
The next day, I went out the same door and
walked down the same street.
I saw the same hole and I tried to jump over
it.
I fell into it.
The next day, I went out the same door and
took a different street.
Mainard True
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