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Americans
Love to Analyze
When this tactic, played out in
many places across America, rears its ugly head, I head in the
other direction. You see, it is one of them touchy-feely things.
“If you were an animal, what kind would you be?” That sort of
garbage.
One time I recall being at a
camp with a bunch of people, including three women visiting the
area from northern Ireland. Sure enough, even with no alcohol
present, the weirdos got into the “If you were an animal” thing
and that’s when I made like a dog that had to pee real bad and
went outside.
Shortly thereafter, I was
joined by two of the three ladies from Ireland. The conversation
was light for a bit until one lady named Kate says to me in a
thick Irish accent, “Tom, what the hell’s up with that sh$@? Why
are they doing those f&*@%&! things, Tom?”
I just shook my head in
disgust. Kate then blasted back with, “You f^#*^@% Americans!
You always have to analyze everything to death!”
Which is the case and leads me
to the events of 1969 in the deep woods north of Andover, Maine.
When deer hunting season came around, Otis would head back, deep
into the woods well beyond the Sawyer Brook Road. It was nearly
an all day trek to get into the camp his grandfather had left
him years ago. Otis doesn’t hunt anymore and he hasn’t been to
that camp for years.
It was a very cold, snowy day.
Otis had been out hunting earlier in the day and had come back
to camp for some lunch and a nap before trying his luck again
before dark. He threw a couple of logs in his stove, grabbed his
single shot 30-30 Winchester, and headed out. No one ever came
around there so Otis never locked the place up.
What Otis didn’t know was not
too far away three Massachusetts hunters (and I am using that
term loosely) were lost. Of the three lost men, one was an
engineer, one a psychologist and the other a professor of
theology.
Tired, scared and hungry, the
three men trudged on thinking the were headed in the right
direction. Soon, they came upon Otis’ camp. They looked around
for a moment and saw noone, so they knocked on the door - no
answer. They checked and door was unlocked, so they went inside.
Upon entering the camp, the
three men quickly noticed that the wood stove that Otis used to
stay warm was suspended from the beams supporting the roof of
the camp. Long strands of wire wrapped around the stove and went
up to the rafter beams leaving the stove about 3 feet off the
floor. All three men were quite fascinated by the wood stove.
The shrink began first, “Very
interesting. It is obvious that the old man, perhaps a trapper
or just a recluse from society, a loner, has done this in order
to lie down underneath the stove, probably does so in the fetal
position, in order to vicariously experience the return to his
mother’s womb.”
“Nonsense!” said the engineer.
“This man is without a doubt, and extremely brilliant man.
Perhaps so brilliant that he has difficulty fitting in with our
complex society. He is indeed practicing the laws of
thermodynamics. I believe by looking at this he may have
actually discovered a new way of more evenly dispursing heat
throughout his humble living quarters.”
“No,no,no! You both have it all
wrong!” piped in the professor of theology. “Have you no sense
of religious wonder. We have known since the beginning of time
that the “lifting up of fire” is symbolic of placing God above
all else. This man has come here to get closer to his God.”
Just then the door flew open
and in walked Otis. He was a bit surprised and the three men
quickly explained to Otis why they were there.
“Fine” said Otis. “I’ll take
you out in the morning. It’s too late now to go.”
Still fascinated by the stove
and each educated man wanting to prove himself right, the
engineer first spoke up about the stove.
“Say, Otis” he began. “Did you
suspend your stove like that because you have found a new way of
equally dispersing energy that comes from the combustion of
fuels like your wood?”
“No! said the shrink.”He did it
because he is trying to re-live his moments just prior to
birth.”
“Not true” yelled the
professor. “He’s more in touch with God!”
“Actually” said Otis. “I had a
lot of wire laying around and not much stove pipe.”
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