Otis never really knew when to quit when it came to practical jokes. I guess that's why when he decided to pull one of these, it was a real doozie.

Otis and Gabby went on over to Gabby's aunt's house over on the Sidelinger Road just past the covered bridge. The reason they went there was because Gabby's aunt had a telephone.

Aunt Bess was taking her afternoon nap and so Otis went to the telephone and picked up the receiver and placed it to his ear. He then grabbed the crank and gave it about 5 good revolutions and waited. Soon the operator, Marge came on and said, "Hi, Bess, you want to talk with your sister Clara today?" Otis didn't know what to say at first but he finally piped up and said to Marge, "Ring me up them new folks up there on East B Hill Rd."

There was a moment of silence then Marge asked, "Now, is this Otis? What you be wanting to ring them folks for?"

"Well," said Otis. "They wanted me to call them about doing some work for them next week."

"Otis! What are you up to! You ain't done no work in your entire life. I don't believe them newcomers be wanting you come up there to do no work." said Marge.

"Just ring them folks for me and don't you go listening in, neither." replied Otis.

Marge finally rung up the Fitzgeralds and Fred answered the phone, "Hello. This is Fred Fitzgerald. Who am I speaking to please?"

Well, Otis got nervous as a clam at low tide and he said, "This is Captain Steinbrenner from the boat the Queen Elizabeth. Can I speak to Francis Fitzgerald?"

Otis was beginning to snicker because he knew he already had the father convinced and fooling the boy would be a snap. Gabby was out in the kitchen rummaging around looking for some of Aunt Bess' home cooking.

"This is Captain Steinbrenner from the Queen Elizabeth. I understand you would like to work on my ship. Is this true?" quizzed Otis.

"I have a job there that you might be interested in. Would you like to hear about it?" asked Otis.

"Sure, I would," said Francis. "But I can tell you right now, it doesn't matter what it is, I'll take it!" Francis said excitedly.

"You don't even know what the job is yet, boy. Don't you want to know a little something about it?" asked Otis.

"Good," was Otis' comment. "I need someone who could entertain some of our guests. Is that something you think you could do? asked Otis.

Otis came back, "These are special guests and they might need some special attention. Is that something you could do Francis?"

Otis was grinning from ear to ear because he knew this kid was so eager to work on the Queen Elizabeth that he would do and say anything. "Now, Francis. Some of these guests might be older people. Do you have any problem with older people, Francis?" asked Otis.

"You might have to sit at my table for dinner some nights and dance with some of the older ladies. Is that something you could do, Francis," asked Otis.

"I love to dance and it would be an honor to dine at the Captain's table, sir," Francis said nearly out of breath from the excitement.

"Well, this is good," said Otis. "I guess I may have found the man I'm looking for. Oh, there is one more thing Francis. Some of these older ladies get a little lonely and are in need of a little extra company after dinner and dancing and might need you to walk them to their cabin. I this something you could do, Francis?" asked Otis.

"That wouldn't be any problem at all," said Francis. "I would enjoy walking these ladies to their cabins."

"Fine, fine," said Otis. "There is one more thing, Francis. Once in while some of these older ladies might want some special favors. Would you be willing to do some special favors for these older ladies, Francis?"

"Well, I'm not sure. What kind of special favors Mr. Steinbrenner?" asked Francis.

"Well, you know. Some of these ladies get lonely and are in need of some company at night and stuff. You wouldn't mind that would you Francis?" asked Otis.

Otis was getting a huge kick out of this and figured it was time to just come right out and say it and get the laughing going when the boy realizes it's just a joke. "Well," said Otis. "Some of these older ladies would be asking you to spend the night in their cabin with them. Is that something you could do, Francis?"

"Spend the night in their cabin with them? You mean have sex?" he whispered so no one at his home could hear him.

Otis thought that by now the boy must be suspecting something was up and after a long spell of silence on the other end, Otis piped in again with, "Well, son. What do you think?"

"I really want to work on the Queen Elizabeth really badly so I guess that would be alright with me. When can I start?"

Otis didn't know what to say and just stood there with his mouth gaped and nearly dragging on the floor. "Can you report in 2 weeks?" asked Otis still laughing aloud.

Otis didn't really know what to do now, so he grabbed hold of Gabby and a bag of Aunt Bess' chocolate chip cookies and headed back into town. Gabby was all confused about the goings on because he didn't pay all that much attention to Otis. He was too busy eating. All he kept asking Otis was, "Did ya git em good, Otis? Did ya git em good?"

Otis was notorious for carrying his practical jokes too far. He hadn't bothered to explain to Francis Fitzgerald that this was all a joke. Before he had hung up, he told Francis to report to the Ferry terminal in Portland in two weeks and ask for Captain Steinbrenner.

Of course Gabby wanted to know who Captain Steinbrenner was but Otis kept telling him over and over that there wasn't any such person as Captain Steinbrenner. Gabby further became confused. "If there ain't no such person as Captain Steinbrenner, how come you told that Francis boy to meet him in Portland in two weeks?"

"Oh, shut up Gabby! I made up the name as part of the joke. Don't you get it?" asked Otis.

"Yeah, of course I get it! I'm not stupid ya know," said Gabby. "By the way. What's the Captain's first name?"

"Holy, shipmate Gabby!! ......Never mind. You just don't get it do ya?" said Otis. "If you must know, his first name is Steuben."

"S-H-U-T U-P !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just shut up, will ya!" yelled Otis as loud as he could.

The two men ambled down the dusty road heading back into town. As they approached Fanny Farrington's farm, they noticed Fanny outside looking flabbergasted and confused and in need of some friendly assistance. Otis and Gabby approached Fanny and asked her if there was something wrong.

"Oh, I'm in big trouble!" said Fanny. "When Fred gets home he's going to be mad at me for what I've done."

"What you done that's so bad, Fanny?" asked Gabby. "I can't imagine anything being that bad that Fred would git mad at you."

"I dropped Fred's favorite fly-fishing fly down the outhouse," cried Fanny. "And when he gets home he's going to fall flat on his face and be really mad. I'm frightened for what Fred will do when he figures out his favorite fly-fishing fly has flown the coop."

Otis' pea brain began to work overtime until he finally asked Fanny, "Fanny, you got a five dollar bill?"

"I think so Otis but I need to get Fred's favorite fly-fishing fly out of the fumes and the filth of the outhouse. What are you going to do with a five dollar bill?"

"Have you got a five dollar bill or not?" asked Otis again. "If you got one go in the house now and bring it to me."

Fanny fluttered off to the farmhouse and soon returned with a fresh five dollar bill. Otis snatched the five dollars from Fanny who nearly fainted as Otis foolishly flipped his flat feet toward the outhouse. Gabby followed and then Fanny collected herself and hurried off to find what Otis was up to.

As the three gathered around the outhouse, Otis looked down in the hole and stared for some time. Finally, he raised his head up gasping for clean air and says, "Phew! I see it but I can't reach it!"

With that he promptly tossed Fanny's fresh five dollar bill down with the filth and the fumes finally floating to its final resting place close to Fred's favorite fly-fishing fly.

"Why did you do that, Otis?" asked Fanny with a tear still streaming from the corner of her eye.

"Well," said Otis matter of factly. "You don't think I'd crawl down in that hole for just a fishing fly do ya?"

Did you know that in every small town in Maine everyone who lives there has something they are noted for. In Andover for example, there is Virgil. He's noted for his smart dog named Billy and his wife Florena is known for ruling the roost at that household. Otis is the unofficial town mayor and Gabby is the biggest liar around.

Otis and Gabby got to talking the other day about when they were both kids growing up in the little town of Andover - it's almost a city now - and how they both got lickings all the time. Otis was telling Gabby how that we needed to get back to doing more licking.

Gabby didn't really agree with that and he told Otis, "I don't think lickins is as good a thing as you might think, Otis. Well, the worst lickin I ever got was for telling the truth!"

Virgil’s Ass - Not What You Think

Virgil had a donkey named Earl. Earl was getting old and sometimes he acted like he was lost. This bothered Virgil some. One day Virgil couldn’t find Earl. He searched everywhere until he heard a noise coming from over by the old well.

Virgil approached the old well and looked down inside only to find Earl in quite a predicament. Virgil didn’t know how he was ever going to get his ass out of the well. He tried several things to no avail. Finally, Virgil realized there was no way he was going to get his ass out of this mess, so he rode up to his neighbor’s house and got John to come give him a hand.

The two returned to find Earl still down in the well and making quite a loud noise. Earl wanted out in the worst way.

Virgil went to get John to help him bury the donkey. He decided that Earl was too old anyway and he never used the old well anymore, so he figured he might as well fill in the well with his ass in it. So, Virgil and John began shoveling dirt in on top of ole Earl.

At first Earl was making a whole lot of noise. He obviously did not like having the dirt shoveled in on top of him. Over time Earl quieted down. Virgil became curious, so he looked down into the well. He noticed that everytime John would throw a shovel full of dirt on Earl, he would just shake the dirt off and let it fall around him. He then would step up onto the new dirt. The more they shoveled the more Earl would shake off the dirt and step up onto the new dirt.

Virgil instructed John to shovel faster and soon both John and Virgil were shoveling dirt faster than a State crew backhoe. In about a half hour, Earl finally stepped up out of the well and ran off as John and Virgil stood watching in shock and amazure.

Now, there is a good moral to this story. When life throws a bunch of dirt on you, just shake it off, take a step up and keep on going even when things seem as bad as they can get. Nice, huh?

Well, that would be good but that’s not how the story goes. You see, when Earl ran off he was mad as hell. He was mad to think that Virgil tried to bury him alive.

Awhile later as Virgil was finishing up his job, Earl came running up behind him and bit him right on the buttocks real hard. It sure surprised the heck out of Virgil. He went in the house and had Florena that a look at it and make sure it was okay.

Well, over time that gash where Earl took a big chunk of Virgil’s butt got infected and Virgil nearly died. Thank God for modern medicine. It saved Virgil’s life.

Now, the real moral to the story. When you screw up and try to cover your ass, it will come back and bite you.

Virgil and Florena Off to the City

Virgil and Florena left the confines of the thriving metropolis (46 people) of Andover and headed for the city - Portland, Maine. The trip was quite uneventful and when they got ready to come home, Virgil pulled his old beat-up pick-up truck into a gas station to get some gas for the long trip home.

Before Virgil could get his truck engine shut off, the attendant was right at his window, “What can I get you folks today?”

“What’d he say?” yelled Florena.

“He asked what he get for us today!” replied Virgil.

The attendant got the directions from Virgil to put in $5.00 worth of regular. Once he got the pump going, the attendant returned and asked Virgil, “Would you like me to check your oil?”

To which Florena pipes up again and asks, “What’d he say?”

“He wants to check the oil!”, yelled Virgil.

The attendant checked the oil and returned to Virgils side of the car. “Where you folks from?”

“Andover”, answered Virgil.

Again Florena butts in and asks, “What’d he say?”

Virgil getting quite angry now answers, “He wants to know where we’re from!”

The attendant said to Virgil, “I met some folks one day from Andover. Yeah, I remember them well. They were very rude to me.”

Before Virgil could respond to the attendant, Florena yells at Virgil and says, “What’d he say?”

Virgil yelled back at Florena and says, “He’s met you before!”

No Need Crying Over Spilled Milk - I Mean Paint

Virgil and Florena wanted to join the church in town Andover. So, they went and visited with the pastor, Roger Righteous.

Pastor Righteous told Virgil and Florena that they would be welcomed into the church but that the church had certain standards - pre-requisites, if you will. He told the couple that to prove their worthiness to become members of the church, they would need to go home and abstain from the lusts of the flesh and not have any kind of intimate relations with each other - go with me on this, I’m trying not to say sex.

Virgil and Florena went home and about the middle of the third week, the two landed back in the office of Paster Righteous.

“What seems to be the trouble?” inquired the Paster.

“I’m afraid that we have failed to meet the standards set forth by your church,” answered Virgil.

“Can you tell me what happened that made your temptations beyond that which ye are capable of bearing?” asked Pastor Righteous.

Virgil replied, “We did okay the first week. It was extremely difficult but by our own self-discipline we were able to fend off the temptations before us.”

“You were strong in yourselves and that is good,” said the Pastor. “Then what happened?

“During the second week, our self-determination wasn’t enough. We had to pray almost continuously and read our Bible and we had all we could do to abstain”, cried Virgil.

“So far, I am quite impressed with your relentless effort to keep from succumbing to the desires of the flesh. God will reward you for that” said Pastor Righteous. “So what finally happened?”

“We got in the middle of the third week and it was just about all that either one of us could stand. We had been praying, fasting, reading our Bible and meditating but when Florena bent over to pick up a can of paint, I couldn’t control myself any longer. I had my way were her right then and there,” blurted Virgil.

Pastor Righteous disappointedly replied, “That is very unfortunate for the two of you but you realize you will not be welcomed in our church.”

“I know,” answered Virgil. “We’re not welcomed back at Dave’s Hardware Store anymore either.”

Virgil The Entrepreneurial Inventor

I bet ya didn’t know ole Virgil was an inventor - oh, ayuh! A good un too! Sometimes he invented things that some of us would consider a bit odd - like the time he invented a lycra pull-over to go over a cow’s bag in the winter.

This time Virgil’s gone and invented something that has really gone and angered many residents of the town of Andover. None of us knowed what he was a thinkin’ when he done this but he invented a new woman’s bra - an “unmentionable”, ayuh!

This bra ain’t no ordinary bra either. It completely stops a woman’s bosuumes from bouncing up and down. As a matter of fact, they won’t move a bit and to make matters even worse, he invented a new kind of fabric that no matter how cold it gets outside or what the conditions are, nothing will ever show protruding out through the cloth - if you know what I mean. Are you following me on this one?

Even Pastor Roger Righteous is upset too. He went and paid ole Virgil a visit and suggested he might need to make a recall on those things before something serious happens.

Gabby and Otis used to spend all their time sitting on the bench outside Dave’s store watching everyone coming and a going - not anymore. Virgil gone a changed life as it is known in Andover. There ain’t much left for entertainment.

What was he thinking?

Virgil Had a Problem With Sex

Virgil had a problem. Actually he had several problems but the one problem that was really beginning to get to Florena was Virgil never wanted to try anything different when it came to activities between the sheets. You see Florena is kind of a dominant sort of woman if you know what I mean. She pretty much rules the roost and Virgil generally comes quietly when called.

But there was this one issue of which really tore Florena up. Because of her controlling ways, she wants to be on top - work with me on this and picture what I’m saying but don’t picture it too hard. Virgil was very stubborn about this one thing and Florena was determined she was going to have her way.

Unbeknownst to poor ole Virgil, Florena scheduled an appointment with the shrink in town, Dr. Pearsall. When the day came, the two showed up on Dr. Pearsall’s doorstep and Virgil was not a very happy man.

The doctor suggested that first he should talk with Florena alone and then with Virgil alone and then finish the session with both of them together. Florena headed into the doctor’s office and left Virgil in the lobby.

The doctor and Florena exchanged small talk for a moment and then the doctor jumped right in. “What seems to be the problem,” asked the doctor?

Florena answered a bit shyly, “Well, when my husband and I are in bed together, I want to be on top but Virgil insists that he won’t do that.”

“I see,” replied Dr. Pearsall. “Is there anything else about Virgil that bothers you?”

“Well, yeah there are a couple of other things that bother me about Virgil,” said Florena.

“Tell me about them,” insisted the doctor.

“Well,” Florena hesitated. “I think that often Virgil works too much. Sometimes I can never get him to come in and spend any time with me. He is always doing something. If I didn’t know any better, I would say he was avoiding me.”

“I see,” said the doctor as he scribbled down some notes. “You said there were a couple of things. What is the other?”

“Well,” Florena was beginning to enjoy this bitch session and was feeling like maybe she ought to just spill her guts. “Virgil picks his nose everywhere he goes. Not just at home or out in the barn. He picks his nose no matter where we are. One day we were eating lunch over at Dave’s Store and Virgil was picking his nose in front of everybody.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the doctor somewhat shocked. “Well, that seems like plenty to work with right now. Why don’t you go out and send Virgil in.”

So, Florena went out feeling really good about her few costly minutes with Dr. Pearsall. When she got to the lobby she told Virgil to go in and make it fast because this was costing them alot of money.

Virgil entered the doctor’s office and sat down and again, the doctor exchanged some small talk with Virgil and then jumped right in, “Florena has three things she says really bothers her about you. I’m going to tell you about them and then see if there is anything about Florena that bothers you. Okay?”

Virgil nodded his head.

“Florena says you work too hard,” the doctor stated thinking he would leave the sex problem for last as they are always the most difficult to deal with. “Is this true, Virgil? And do you feel as though you could work a bit less and spend a little more time with Florena?”

“I guess I could do that,” said Virgil.

“She also says that you insist on picking your nose everywhere you go - even in public places. Is this true?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah, I guess so,” replied Virgil.

“Do you think, Virgil, that you could limit your nose picking to only those times when there is nobody else around?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah, I guess I could do that,” answered Virgil.

“This is great!” exclaimed Dr. Pearsall. “We are making some real progress here. There is only one more thing. Florena says that when the two of you are in bed together, she wants to be on top sometimes when you are having sex. Is this true, Virgil?” quizzed the doctor.

“Yeah, I guess so,” replied Virgil.

“Do you think, Virgil, that you could let Florena get on top once in a while? It sure would make her happy,” insisted the doctor.

Much to the doctor’s surprise, Virgil piped in, “Absolutely not! A man has to draw the line somewhere!”

Dr. Pearsall was really surprised at Virgils sudden shift in demeanor. He had been so quiet and agreeable. Now he was very insistant and loud.

“Well, Virgil,” asked the doctor. “Why is this such a difficult thing for you? You seemed so agreeable about working less and picking you nose in private but why this?”

“There’s somethings a man just can’t do,” exclaimed Virgil being very animated and raising his voice too. “My father taught me well when I was young and he made me promise something before he died.”

“Oh, I see,” said the doctor now quite curious and also realizing he probably had a one-of-a-kind sitting in his office at the moment. “And just what did you promise your dearly departed father anyway, Virgil?”

“My father told me to promise him I would always remember his philosphy on life,” answered Virgil. “He told me of the three things that will make a man successful in this world and if I always practiced them to the fullest, I would become somebody.”

“What are those three things, Virgil, that would make you feel this way?” asked the doctor.

“He said that if you work hard, keep your nose clean and don’t screw up, you’ll be a big success,” stated Virgil.