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For you bloggers, I made a couple of changes.
On this page you will find the most recent of muses and ramblings. Scroll
down a little and on the right are titles of the other stories that I
archived. Just click on the title and it will take you there.
Email me -
Mainard
True
Gutcha Deeyah Yet? - Oct. 5, 2005
Just thought I'd be the first to ask. You know
we are headin into that time of year again when those who don't know
anything, think the woods is going to be taken over with blood thirsty
killers.
They don't take over the woods. They just sort
of.... are out there.
I always love the expressions used by those
who think hunters are sick in the head and have lost all sense of logic when
deer season rolls around.
This is one of my all time favorites: "I'll
sure be glad when hunting is over so we can get our woods back!" I have to
ask myself, what in the hell does that mean. As a literal Mainer, it is easy
to see that the woods don't go nowhere during deer season and the person
making the statement ain't been out in the woods for 40 some years. So what
does it mean?
Probably means no more than "Hot 'nuff faw ya?"
or any of them other prize Maine expressions.
Expanding My Horizons - Oct. 4, 2005
I gone big time! Got another job. Funniest job
I ever did too. There's this place called
Maine Hunting Today and they asked me to come over there and do some
talking. So I did.
They wanted me to talk about hunting stuff - I
think they called them "tips".
I just go over there when they ask me and read
a short thing about hunting and they make a video of me and put it up on
their web site.
Works wicked good, too!
Mainard True
Learning to Hate Computahs - Oct 4,
2005
Due to some computer glitch, which is a word I
think geeks use instead of saying *#%#$!@ computer, I lost all my Black Fly
Blogs since Aug. 15, 2005.
I know it was as much my fault as the jerk who
owns my server but geez, this was Pulitzer material I'm writing here.
So, I'm sorry I lost them and I lost some
other stuff too like the wicked good picture I had on the front page. I
didn't save it in my picture file because I saved it on my web site.
Mainard True
Will Ignorance Rule the World? - Aug
15, 2005
I am fearful that it has already happened.
Take this morning for example. While doing my errands, I first entered a
bank (bank withheld to protect the stupid bastards) to get two rolls of
quarters - those are the round metal disks we use for almost anything with a
slot in it.
I stepped up to the teller with a big smile
and a "Good morning" on my lips. She asked if she could help me.
"Could I trouble you for two rolls of quarters
this morning?' I responded.
"Don't got none!" was the reply.
DON"T GOT NONE!!!! Huh? What? I must still be
in bed dreaming about Maine not going to sell non-resident hunting licenses
anymore.
"Excuse me, ma'am! This is a bank isn't it?" I
asked in my nicest cynical way.
"I'll have to go out to the vault and buy some
for my bank," she retorted.
"I'll wait!" I came back now getting angry.
Oh, well! I left there and traveled over to
MacDonald's - yeah I know but I wanted to get my grandson some gift
certificates for his fourth birthday. He ain't fat yet like his grandfather
so I want to make sure he gets that way soon.
As I stepped up to the counter, I espied a
rack with plastic, credit card type gift cards and an ad banner staring at
me. I asked the girl working behind the counter, who could barely speak any
English, are these what you now have for gift certificates?
"Jess!" was her answer. I assumed that meant
yes.
I don't like this sort of thing and let me
explain. I like the paper coupons worth $5.00 each. Then if you give, as was
what my plans were, $20.00 worth, the little grandson would be getting four
presents from his Grampie and Grammie - I don't want to come off as cheap
you know. We have to compete with those other grandparents.
Another thing that bothers me is this is
introducing a little four year old to a credit card. These gift cards look
just like a nice credit card. It's almost as pretty as the plastic card you
get with food stamps.
But worst of all, my fear that the card will
not work. At least the paper one had written right on it how much it was
worth. Now you have some idiot who can't speak English getting you a gift
card that you don't know whether it will work or not.
"I would like a $20.00 gift card please," as I
handed the girl a twenty dollar bill.
"Sorry, sir! No guts a twenty dollar one." she
so eloquently responded. "We guts jess five, ten, twenty five and fiffy."
Trying not to lose my patience and jump over
the counter and take some unsuspecting McFlurry hostage, I said, "Then I'll
take a $25.00 gift card, please."
The girl took the card and began punching
buttons and swiping it once, twice, three times and pressing some more
buttons. She walked over to another woman. They both conversed in Spanish
for a moment and then returned to the cash register. The second woman, in a
warm reassuring way said to the first woman, "Me dunno. Not dun one fore."
I was comforted to say the least. Eventually,
they both disappeared and returned with a young man, who could speak
English, and happened to be the manager.
As I waited, he walked them both through the
procedures for activating a gift card and then handed me my card and thanked
me. I couldn't leave it alone.
"Why can't I get the exact amount on a gift
card as I want - like $20.00?" I asked.
"We only sell 5, 10, 25 or 50 dollars cards."
he replied.
I commence to laugh uncontrollably and headed
for the door but I just wasn't ready to leave. I had to subject myself to
just a little more abuse.
"Do I have to spend the god damned thing in 5,
10, 25 or 50 dollar increments too? Would you run this through your machine
just to make sure that it has been activated and activated for $25.00." I
pleaded.
"Huh?" was the comeback. "I gave you a
receipt."
I laughed and I laughed and I laughed and I
laughed - all the way to my car.
Dogs are Always Smarter Than Man - Aug.
12, 2005
Bruce went over to Brandon's house the other
day for a short visit. He hadn't seen Brandon for several years and when he
got there, he was totally amazed to see Brandon playing chess with his 5
year old tick hound.
"Wow!", said Bruce. "That's some smart dog you
got there Brandon!"
"Not that smart!" piped in Brandon. "I've
beaten him 3 out of 5 games already."
Mainard True
PETA - Not Something in Your Pants -
Aug. 10, 2005
PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals) shows us all again and again why they are not to be taken seriously
and their membership boasts nothing more than a large group of whackos.
In a
protest against eating lobsters in Maine, which is like protesting sex
in a whore house, they actually succeeded in bringing much more business to
the local lobster serving restaurant across the street from the protest.
One idiot was dressed in a giant lobster suit
and people thought they were promoting lobster dinners at the restaurant.
Thanks PETA.
And in another PETA "we're a bunch of extreme
locos"
story, they were protesting the cruel treatment of animals in America
and likened it to slavery of the black race from years past. It was great to
see to left-wingers screaming at each other at a protest rally.
Mainard True
Birds of a Feather Flock Together -
July 31, 2005
I guess it is a natural occurrence although
the educated believe that forcing the integration of unnatural things makes
us better people - bullshit!!!
Take for instance Maine. Maine used to be made up
of strictly, fiercely independent thinking, stubborn, mule headed, native
Mainers. Now there is a blending together of outside resources, i.e. the
flatlander and the weirdoes.
The flatlanders have been infiltrating the
borders of Maine for some time and there are now pockets that more closely
resemble portions of Taxachussettes than "Maine the Way Life Should Be."
Now, we have an influx of weirdoes stampeding
the toll booth in Kittery to get in here. What's the attraction? I just
don't get it. I could understand why the highly educated don't come - they
ain't smart enough to understand the Maine way. But the weirdoes? And why do
Mainers put up with it?
Mainard True
Another One of Those "What's Up With That"
Bitch Sessions - July 25, 2005
While traveling about in Maine the past couple
of months, my wife and I discovered something we think is only unique to
Maine - poverty due to ignorance. We were on a day trip traveling about and
ended up in Skowhegan where we had planned to stop and get something to eat.
Being that we are now members of the "jet set" of Americans, we seldom carry
cash anymore because it is so easy to use a debit or a credit card - unless
you are traveling in Maine.
We stopped at countless eateries between
Skowhegan and Farmington and could not find anyone who accepted credit
cards. One place said they wouldn't trust them credit cards but would be
glad to take our personal check.
Holy shit, Batman! I wonder if these are the
same people to be first in line to gripe and complain because they can't
make a living trying to run a business in Maine.
Personally, I think it is their way of keeping
the flatlanders out.
Mainard True
Looking Pretty Shitty - July 24, 2005
I ain't foolin! If you haven't seen the story,
you've missed out on perhaps the most bizarre episodes know to mankind. A
Maine man was caught down inside an outhouse, wearing a raincoat. He was in
there to peep on women coming in to use the facilities. Can you imagine.
This took place over in New Hampshire. The local authorities said they
treated the situation the same as though they were treating hazardous waste.
Mainard True
From the Woods of Maine - July 22, 2005
Just returned from a seven week trip to Maine
and I returned with a renewed list of things to make even the staunchest
"Mainer" laugh out loud. Give me a moment to catch my breath and I'll be
back with some real winners.
Mainard True
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